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Malcolm in the Middle
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Quotes

QUOTES FROM MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

If you wait for an hour, eat without her. If its any longer, somethings wronger.

-- Hal

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I took a shower...is that such a crime?

-- Reese

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Malcolm: Social skills... TEN!!

Stevie: (breath) Ten?

Malcolm: I have great social skills you jack a**!!

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Reese: Dewey, we need you to cry.
                                             
                                             
Malcolm: But its gotta be the right kind of crying, not sobbing,
                                             more of a 
whiney sound with a penetrating
                                             quality. 
                                             
                                             

Dewey: Give me a moment...

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Mr. Herkebee: Yes, number 5.
                                             
                                             
Dabney: My name's Dabney sir. 
                                             
                                             
Mr.H: I know, what is it number 5?. 
                                             
                                             

Dabney: I forgot

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Malcolm: So what does being number 1 get you? 
                                             
                                             

Mr.Herkebee: Just the fact that you're number 1 (points to Kevin)

and that YOU are not.

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Reese: OK old people. what can be so hard about old people?

(malcolm whispers in his ear) Poor people, we want poor people!

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Reese: yeah Dewey, God can magically see through roofs!
 

 
Reese: You just gotta calm down, turn off your brain. 
                                             
                                             
Malcolm:You cant just turn off your brain.
                                             
                                             
Reese: Sure you can, I do it all the time, just watch.
                                             
                                             
                                             
Malcolm: You can't just turn off your-Reese?..Reese? 
                                             
                                             

Reese: oh man, how long was i out?

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There's no alligators in here right , no that's just made up but if there were it would probably albino or blind or TRANSPARENT but that's not real, THIS IS SO COOL !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Stevie: it all (breath) looks (breath) the same (breath)

Dewey: Yes , it is the same, it's all been  exactly the same ever since the day I was born, I start to trust them, they make me regret it , I get my hopes up , and they  destroy,  then I..

Malcolm: ALRIGHT Dewey we get it

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Malcolm: this is our mark, this is as far as we went when Francis took us.

Dewey: this is it , this is as far as you went?, who would brag about it .

(Reese shines flashlight on ground and looks up. You here a plop!)

Dewey: (gasp) uhhhh Mr. Alligator?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reese: Can I read you guys something I wrote??

Malcolm: We'd love it !

 Stevie: (breath) You write (breath) poetry?

Reese: A dabble

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reese (talking to Malcolm):  EVERY girlfriend you ever had left you crying like a baby!!

Malcolm:  what ?  I didn't cry that hard!

Stevie:  you  wet (breath) your pants!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someday when you come back, you're unemployed, have no place to live you can come stay in my castle.

-- Dewey talking to Francis.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just leave, don't insult me!

-- Dewey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We both know I'm failing, well now we both know!

-- Francis talking to Lois.

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Reese: Spirit camp? So you girls are...

Malcolm: Cheerleaders!

Stevie: Bad cheerleaders!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stevie: Do... (breath) You... (breath)...

Reese: ...I see it too.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maybe I'm the good one after all! Here mum,

(hands Lois a glass of water) for your throat,

I put a little honey in it.

-- Reese

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Reese: I said I'm sorry!

Lois: Well I've heard sorry before.

Reese: I don't think so!

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Sara would never go out with me. She's smart, she's cool, she's good looking

and if we went out together it would make me happy, so therefore

it will never happen. I'm destined to be the most miserable person on earth!

-- Malcolm

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It was wriggling and fighting me, and finally I got it on

the hook; that was one hell of a worm.

I was sure I was gonna catch something!

-- Hal

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Malcolm's special? Where do you think that came from?!

-- Hal

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Mom says tv makes you stupid.

-- Stevie

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It seems like such a shame to just dump this in the trash, maybe the birds might like to make a nest with it or maybe you boys could use it for a school project.

-- Lois, (talking about the hair shaved off Hal's back.)

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"How do I put this in a way that you'll understand...SHUT-UP!

-- Malcolm

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"I hate my brothers, I only like me!"

-- Dewey

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"The best thing about childhood is at some point it stops!" 

--Malcolm

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"I don't know why mom makes me get up at 8. School doesn't even start 'till 8:15!" 

-- Malcolm

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"I'm toilet papering her house tonight...... if that doesn't work, I'm outta ideas" 

-- Reese (talking about a girl he likes)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Why does she have to ruin everything I love?" 

-- Dewey


"My milk's lumpy!" 

-- Dewey

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"Two of you can have slices of pizza for lunch. The other one can have... I don't know, I think they're peas." 

-- Lois

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"They're sending an unmanned probe to Venus and letting a bunch of school children name it, that’s gonna end badly" 

-- Hal

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"Dad, no! I can't come home! Marlin Academy is the best thing that has ever happened to me! I am at a crucial point in my rehabilitation!"

"Uh huh. What's her name?"

"That's the thing, there's like ten of them!”

-- Francis on the phone with Hal.

 

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"You kids, you just take your legs for granted. Let me just tell you something that's just wishful thinking, there's meningitis, there are car accidents. I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord. Every day is a lottery, and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands. You think about that." 

--Lois

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  • Reese: You're doin' that more and more

  • Malcolm: Doin' what?


  • Reese: That brain thing. Are you just gonna keep getting smarter and weirder?


  • Malcolm: I dunno!


  • Reese: Well can you tone it down a little bit? 'Cause I cant keep up with all these butt-kickings.


  • Malcolm: What are you talking about?


  • Reese: Well, at least twice a day I have to whoop ass on some kid calling you a weirdo. Honestly! It's exhausting.


  • Malcolm: You beat up kids 'cause they call me a weirdo?


  • Reese: Well the last kid? He was a freak anyways. He was in NO position to throw out names.

-- Malcolm and Reese

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"I cannot talk to you right now. Oooh you make me so mad sometimes I just want to break your neck. Did you get the cookies I sent you?" 

-- Lois talking to Francis on the phone.

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